THE GURU (26/02/12)

Look, if I don’t blow my own trumpet, who will and so, as I often say, blow hard, baby: While others kinda sucked with their tipping efforts, The Guru was on fire last Wednesday at Happy Valley- on fire about Surfer Boy, how there will be another Zac Attack- Zac Purton rode a treble- a 16 to 1 quinella in Race 7 and 16 to 1 winner Perfect Cheer in the last race for the night. Okay, even Fast Track’s’ resident artiste Harlow Dali tipped that one, too whereas the young Entourage of tipsters had five winners in their Six Up and an HK$8000 tierce. The HKJC’s CEO Winfried Engelbrecht-Bresges gave out some good “nearly fine” advice in his blog on the Club’s official site as well- but not as good as The Guru- though he might argue with that.

Okay, now that the chest-pounding is outta the way and looking at Sunday’s card at Shatin, one thing to be wary of other than The Ides Of March and “Eh tu, Brute” are the bad barrier draws for a number of favourites and, especially, the rides of Douglas Whyte. His navigational skills will have to be spot-on, or else it will be a case of “Three-Wide Whyte” and not The Whyte Man or The Durban Dragon breathing fire all over his rivals. So, last things first and in Race 10, Whyte, drawn barrier 12 in a 1400 metre race, rides Earl Of Leitrim for John Size and with the blinkers already slapped on for the first time.

At its debut a few weeks ago, the horse which was “under-done” ran a great race for fourth and over 1200 metres. Though needing longer than 1400 metres to show its true talent, this Doncaster winner should be too good for this field even if still needing to be fully acclimatized.

It just needs- as they say- luck in the running- but doesn’t every horse in every race? This type of racing lingo has not changed in decades. It’s cliché after cliché and it really gets on my wick. It’s a handful of racing journalists writing for other racing journalists and not their readers. This hardcore gambling crap is falling on deaf ears, lads, and “readership” is dropping like visits to many jockey club websites which have “content” written by boffins and knobs. But back to this last race at Shatin…

I really think that despite the horror barrier draw, the Size-Whyte combination is banker material along with Real Supreme and with the only scary thing about backing the latter being that Gerard Mosse might decide to go looking for some French Fries despite the horse having a decent draw. I’ll certainly be keeping another John Size, below, runner- Fulfill A Wish- drawn barrier 10- taking a class drop and with claiming apprentice Keith ML Yeung on it safe and including it in all tierces as this is the second leg of the third Double Trio.

The John Moore army has three runners and with the Damien Oliver on what must be the stable elect- Majestic Falcon- taking a class drop, but drawn barrier 14. Tony Cruz has two horses entered in the same race- El Zonda taking a class drop and Po Ching King ridden by new Italian jockey to these shores in Umberto Rispoli.

There is also last start winner Fleet Command in the race drawn barrier 11 and which should not bother it, but I won’t be going near this one even though it would be good to see trainer David Ferraris crack a smile instead of still cracking a shit after than last run of Sweet Orange when and where jockey Weichong Marwing lost his compass.

One hears that “The Hoarse Whisperer” has been more “dark” than usual and I need the sun shine over him again before backing Fleet Command or any of his horses- though that “heroin” horse of his- Theheroinmyheart- should be “there” in Race 6. Is it just me, or does the word “heroin” SCREAM out at you when reading the name of this horse?

In Race 9, the very impressive Fionn’s Treasure ridden by The Zac Attack and though drawn barrier 11, is the one to beat with Happy Index- drawn barrier 9- to run the quinella with Aerosa which has promised much and delivered bugger all.

On the subject of The Zac Attack, the jock should win Race 1 on Meridian Treasure, go close in Race 2 on Iron Hawk, possibly be in the top three in the very tough-looking General Danroad and place on another of those Fionn horses- Fionn’s Dragon- in Race 8. If the odds are over 4s, I’ll take him to win the Jockeys Challenge.

As for the Whyte Man’s rides, he has banker chances on Racing Legend in Race 4 and which has seen trainer David Hall remove its blinkers, replace its Norton ring bit and remove the ring bit. And then he probably removed his clothes and did a little dance and got down that night.

Other possible good rides for Whyte are Hot Asset in a horrific looking Race 5 which is one of those “throw up” races, Zezao for Richard Gibson in Race 6- drawn barrier 11 and which will be way under the odds and could easily be beaten, of course, Ambitious Dragon in Race 7 and which only has California Memory to beat, Moneymaker which is just a chance and just a horse in Race 8 and gets off the average John Size-trained Delta Hedge to ride Tony Millard’s weirdly-named Won Ton King Prawn.

If memory serves me well, I think Millard bought the champion galloper Fairy King Prawn for the owner who kinda resembles a “prawn” or maybe it’s a cockroach- and who took it to the stable of Ricky Yiu where it had a great partnership with Steven King. Jeez, Hong Kong was very good for King- who is still a very good jockey. Want the job done, go to Steven King- if he really wants to get out of bed and ride.

Elsewhere, Ultimate Winners should win Race 3 and so is worthwhile having a go at the first Double Trio using this as the banker in this first legs. Outsiders to watch out for are debutant Peri Peri Safron in Race 3 owned by one Herman Haw and under the care of the So-Ho combination- jockey Ben TH So and trainer Peter Ho.

Race 2 is a minefield looking beyond Iron Eagle. In Race 5, The Fast Lane, the very gay-sounding Flora Man and Twin Turbo are worth adding to any exotic bets with Hot Asset whereas in Race 6, take away Zezao and there’s Soldier, another of those David Hall-trained horses which struggling local jockey Terry CW Wong almost owns, Theheroinmyheart, Sohna, Good Gains and Howard “The Duck” Cheng on New Asia Rising.

When exactly is “The Duckman” starting his seven-day suspension? Week after week, he’s around and which must mean he’s hanging in there as there is a winner planned. But where? Meanwhile, Race 8 looks the toughest race of all and where, if one takes away Fionn’s Dragon, nothing stands out. They are all “just horses”- Heart Wheel, Eight Plus Nine which cannot win but can run a place, and Keen Marie- and we have all known a “Keen Marie” in our lives- and all having some sorta chance in a very open looking race.

Good luck and hope you end up with a keen Marie.

The Guru

THE GURU (22/02/2012)

Race 5 at Happy Valley in Hong Kong is, as usual, one of those races which throw up a surprise and makes one throw up in the process. Of the horses entered is the enigmatic Surfer Boy which seems to be going around every week and with no plan in sight. Once seen as a “Happy Valley” horse, it was brought to Shatin for what I thought to be just a look-around and get under the handicapper’s guard, but that move by trainer Dennis Yip seemed to confuse the horse and which has seen it go from track to track, up in distance, down in distance, and with no signs of any horsepower and giving anyone no idea of what the hell is going on.

On Wednesday, what’s interesting is that Yip has replaced regular jockey Howard “The Duck” Cheng on the horse with “The Zac Attack”- Zac Purton. As someone said- and it’s a well-worn out cliché- but life is a cliché- Purton can win on a broom these days and is without a doubt the jockey to follow on everything he rides. No, no, I won’t go “there” and incur the wrath of “The Pumper.”

Back to Surfer Boy, and though drawn barrier 12 which is always a bitch at the tight Valley track, the Yip-Purton combination, which is becoming more and more frequent, is something not to be ignored. As for the other runners, Team Work with Olivier Doleuze up, looks a major chance whereas I’d be keeping an eye on the creatively-named Titanium Alloy, Good Smile and will keep a look at the run of the Richard Gibson runner Wayfoong Governor. The latter horse was last ridden by Doleuze who is all but Gibson’s “stable jockey” and with the “Guvnor of the Hobbits”- Little Timmy Clark aboard- it has MUST WATCH tattooed on its arse.

Elsewhere, Howard “The Duck” Cheng seems to have a number of chances before he starts his seven-day suspension for being involved in the fall of Brett Prebble. His ride, High Return in Race 6, could be a strong quinella/place bet with Mochi, a top chance for another Zac Attack, Grandway Flyer in Race 2 and it’s always worrying when he rides two pounds over for Trainer John Moore- and which he does on Super Brand in Race 7. Sure, the horse has shown appallingly bad form, but these are the types of horses that can have huge “form refusals” and have many of those “racing specialists” with their speed maps looking like real twats and know-it-all knobs.

In fact, this is another of those “throw up” races and with things in the market overnight drawn wide- and these overnight odds I would totally disregard as the pools are holding such little money and can be so easily manipulated- horses like Caspar Fownes’ Dream Builder and even the somewhat disappointing Kick Serve could show huge and baffling improvement.

Elsewhere, as always, the last race looks to be another of those “Final Hurrahs” and last gasp races where I try to avoid the favourites like the plague and which is how I avoid many of the red-hot favourites ridden by Gerard Mosse and Douglas Whyte. Horses by these two leading jockeys are always way under the odds and “following the odds” can leave you Sonny Listoned and sucker-punched.

In this last race, horses which, to me, that can sucker-punch many are Perfect Cheers which The Zac Attack rides for Caspar Fownes, Great Achievement and with Viva Guy and Enthusing having minor chances. The overnight odds for Sunny More are ridiculously unders- which, one supposes, is better than being udders.

Overall, the jockeys to follow are Olivier Doleuze and Zac “Attack” Purton and with my eyes on seeing which of Ben TH So’s rides are backed in late again. Yes, for the last four consecutive meetings, the bells have tolled for at least one of Little Ben’s rides and with 80% of the plunges being spot-on.

THE RACINGBITCH AWARDS FOR THE WEEKEND RACES IN OZ

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THE “SALMON SWIMMING UPSTREAM” AWARD

THE 19TH CONSECUTIVE WIN BY BLACK CAVIAR

This was “The Wonder From The Down Under” proving that it was time to go to war and prove that her wins have not been “hollow.”

All it took was a light flick of the whip and the big black mare was home.

Having said, let’s never forget was the run- and comeback- of the very tough and brave and very great John McNair-trained Hay List.

Will this be the last time Black Caviar races in Oz?

Listening to Peter Moody, we doubt it.

Perhaps, she’ll step out one more time before looking overseas and International success.

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THE “HELL MUTT” AWARD

THE RIDE OF KIEREN MCEVOY ON FAVOURITE “HELMET”.

Kieren McEvoy is a very good jockey, but was his ride on odds-on favourite Helmet well-judged?

Eh. The way the horse was placed during the course of the race, it never had a chance.

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THE “KNICK KNACK PATINACK” AWARD

JOAO MOREIRA ON “HOUSSASA”.

Let’s put it this way, yes, “horses go well” for Moreira, but does Moreira sometimes go that well for his rides- outside of Singapore where he can do no wrong.

We like Joao Moreira and he came awfully close to upsetting Driefontaine, but Tommy Berry on the favourite was a lucky boy when Peter Robl on Aguieda gave him all the room in the world and said, “You before me, Sir” and, unlike when riding in Singapore, the Red Seas parted and Moreria seemed dazed, confused and caught flat-footed. We reckon, he should have won that race.

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THE “KNUCKLE DRAGGER” AWARD

TRAINER JOHN O’SHEA

He might have called us “fuckwits”, but hats off to “The Knuckle Dragger” for a very good double at Warwick Farm.

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THE “DING DONG, ANYONE HOME?” AWARD.

TIMOTHY BELL ON “RARE SUBJECT” IN DOOMBEN

He must be getting lessons from Hong Kong’s Howard “The Duck” Cheng: Timothy Bell led at all costs and was a sitting duck for the back-markers, he was Marked and couldn’t even run a drum.

Yes, no pain, no gain and no brains, no gain either.

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THE “HATS OFF” AWARD

JAKE NOONAN ON “UNDER THE HAT”

Great, well-timed run-and-ride-on Under The Hat which blew out to 5s and showed that patience is a virtue. Someone let Timothy “The Duck” Bell know about this saying.

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THE “IS HE STILL RIDING?” AWARD

CHAD LEVER

Oh dear, after the ride on Esprit De Bullet, why, gawd, why?

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THE “HOP, SKIP AND A JUMP” AWARD

RACING ON KANGAROO ISLAND

Yes, jockeys like Dom Tourneur, Shayne Cahill, Wayne Kerford, Adrian Patterson, Clare Lindop, Jeff Maund and others riding real horses and, no, not Skippy The Kangaroos.

The Coopers Kangaroo Island Cup was won by Dom Tourneur on 8 to 1 pop Dujac.

From what we heard, it was a VERY good carnival for all- on- but especially- off the course and where many had to “tie me kangaroo down, sport”.

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THE “TAKE IT ON THE SHINN” AWARD

BLAKE SHINN ON “SHELFORD.”

Oh dear, John “Knuckle Dragger” O’Shea must be spitting bullets after Blake Shinn on Shelford came so close to upsetting raging favourite Raceway.

It was NOT a convincing victory and neither was the win of Lady Gai’s Driefontaine.

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THE “ARE YOU EXPERIENCED?” JIMI HENDRIX AWARD

JIM BYRNE ON “TOMBOY” AT DOOMBEN

There is no substitute for experience and Jim Byrne proved this with a great ride on Tomboy.

Yes, it was a combination of Byrne, Jimi Hendrix and the great late Chris Farrell.

We hear some in Macau would like to see the very experienced and very good jockey back there.

One word- or is it two?- to Jim Byrne: DON’T.

There are “instructions” in the paddock and then more “instructions” behind the barriers over there which means that if a jockey, you lose even when you win.

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THE “WYNONA RYDER SHOPLIFTING” AWARD

“SHOPAHOLIC” AND DWAYNE DUNN

We thought Mosheen would just piss in, but who could have seen being robbed by a Shopaholic?

Great ride by Dwayne Dunn and a double for the jockey who is riding with a renewed sense of purpose.

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THE “ANGER MANAGEMENT” AWARD

MARK PEGUS AND “REDHEAD RAGE”

Well, we all know what they say about redheads.

Still, we thought Michelle Payne had the race in the bag on Cellarmaster, but it all came uncorked when Pegus drove the Redhead to a brilliant victory at 11s.

Jeez, there were some dud rides in that race.

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THE “YOU’RE GOING TO DO WHAAAAAT?” AWARD

OVER-CONFIDENT RACING EXPERT

This knob was heard on the radio saying they’d walk from Sydney to Perth if Hugh Bowman didn’t win the Jockeys Challenge at Warwick Farm on the weekend.

This would have been a pitiful sight so all Thanks to Bowman for not allowing it to happen by booting home two winners and a couple of placings. “The Pumper” came awfully close to starting this bloke’s Long March to Perth.

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THE “ELVIS PRESLEY” AWARD

NATHAN BERRY ON “HARDBREAK HOTEL”

A very good ride and coming in at 12s to boot. Berry jailhouse rocked the rest of the jockeys in the race.

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THE “WEAPON OF MASS DESTRUCTION” AWARD.

JIM “THE PUMPER” CASSIDY ON “STEPS IN TIME”

“The Pumper” used his massive weapon of destruction to lead all the way as every great swordsman does to run the others ragged. He then made the very good Streama look ordinary when he won on 14 to 1 shot Sea Siren. We can hear her still screaming.

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THE “WHOOOOOOOO? AWARD

SERG LYSNYY

When he won Race 8 at Wyong on Sunday on 45 to 1 shot Domesman, we looked at each and went, Huh? Whaaah? Whoooo?

This had also been our reaction when he rode a very nice race to place on Beau Collin earlier in the day.

Keep an eye on this kid.

THE FAST TRACK AWARDS FOR THE HAPPY VALLEY RACE MEETING ON 19/2/2012

 

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THE “MR MARFACHED UP” AWARD

GERARD “THE PARROT” MOSSE

It’s tough to do, but Monsieur Mosse managed to do it- again: Go way out wide and just go around in his own La La Land.

From having a slow start and then being on the rails, the genius that is Mosse was not seen as he somehow managed to have his ride- Mr. Marfach- eight wide on the turn as it plodded home.

Meanwhile, Jeff “Steptoe” Lloyd came from off the pace, did a little dance worthy of KC and The Sunshine Band and got Happy Cha Cha home.

Does anyone today dance the Cha Cha???

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THE “NERVOUS TICK” AWARD

TRACKSIDE’S BRETT “THE SCARECROW” DAVIS

“The Scarecrow” receives this Award for repeating how many “ticks” he gave Fantastich before picking the horse as his winner in Race 2.

All the “ticks” came undone and caused a nasty itch when it couldn’t withstand another of those now-familiar Zac Attacks- his 29th winner to date with Zac “Attack” Purton winning aboard Able Dragon for trainer Almond Lee and taking out the WuHu handicap. Wooh hoo, indeed!

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THE “TONY MONTANA” AWARD

JENNY CHAPMAN

Once upon a time, Jennifer Lopez was Jenny From The Block. Today, Trackside’s Jenny Chapman is Jenny From The Paddock.

And when she mentioned how “He’s having the odd snort here and there, we couldn’t help but think of that memorable scene from “Scarface” where Al Pacino was “My name- Tony Montana from Cooobah!”

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THE “‘PLEASE, SIR, MAY WE HAVE MORE?’ OLIVER TWIST” AWARD

THE HKJC AND MORE 1883 TELEBET LINES

There just isn’t enough 1883 lines. Try calling even 1883 even 10-15 minutes before a race and all one gets is an engaged tone.

Very frustrating- especially when the bet you couldn’t make comes in.

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THE “VIVE LA FRANCE JOCKEY OF THE MEETING” AWARD

OLIVIER DOLEUZE

Sure, Douglas Whyte might have ridden two winners- both facile victories- and taken out the Jockeys Challenge, but, to us, it was Olivier Doleuze’s two winners which were truly hard-earned. First was his win for Richard Gibson aboard over 20 to 1 pop Racing Reward and then came out to win the Mercedes Benz Hong Kong Classic Cup by a nose on 16 to 1 shot Zaidan trained by John Moore and defeating the very VERY unlucky Sweet Orange.

Trainer David Ferraris must be even more of a Hoarse Whisperer after watching Weichong Marwing come from the clouds to lose on what was a good thing beaten. Still, all credit to Doleuze who took the race by the scruff of its neck, pinched the race while others were muddling around and perhaps trying to be “too tactical” and made it seven outta seven wins of this Cup race by- sacre bleu, mes amis- French jockeys.

 

THE GURU ON THE SHATIN RACE MEETING FOR 19/2/2012

He might have had a Military Attack at Happy Valley, but at Shatin tomorrow, John Moore has an army of five runners in the Mercedes Benz Classic Cup. Sure there are some who think this is an “unfair advantage”, but this is competitive racing and if there is “team work” at play, so be it. It can be discarded as “a game of chances and excuses.” Others new to racing, think it’s a smart move and talk knowingly about some in this army of horses being used to “block” while two are left to “attack” as in a football match. Easier said than done, boffins.

Before his fall at Shatin on Friday morning, Darren Beadman had picked- or was given- Dan Excel and with “Jungle John” Moore’s reliable second-stringer- Jeff “Steptoe ” Lloyd- on what many would think is the stable pick in Smart Giant. But we all know what they say about the best-laid plans: They come undone. But what’s in the race to make Moore none the merrier?

Well, there’s the up-and-coming John Size galloper Fay Fay which I like very much. There’s also last start winner Sweet Orange. I am really unsure if we can take anything too much away from the latter’s last win as it was a muddlingly run race and I remain unconvinced with the results from it. Don’t get me wrong: The David Ferraris-trained galloper is a very good young horse and the trainer has flown in Weichong Marwing back to ride it, but I really cannot see it winning this. “The Hoarse Whisperer” also has Liberator running in the same race and with all types of gear changes done to improve the chances of the horse which the owners being desperate to win this race.

But despite desperation, is it up to this class? Hmmm, I really doubt it plus Jeff Lloyd who rode it last time seems to have jumped ship and gone onto Smart Giant.

Meanwhile, Gerard Mosse who was apparently sacked from Moore’s Irian after his ride on that horse when given, how they say, a “torrid run”, could rise like the swordsman he is on Packing Tycoon for Tony Cruz. Mosse has gone out wide looking for the nearest McDonald’s on a few rides recently and seemed very content not to get into any argy bargy competitive racing so he can remain in one piece when he leaves for France, but in these Cup races, Gerard Mosse rises to the occasion- like any honourable French swordsman. Or any Karl Marxman. Though he and the horse cannot be discarded, I will narrow things down to Fay Fay, Dan Excel and the bottom weight Horace’s Empire.

Elsewhere, Douglas Whyte should go close on newcomer The Peak in Race 4 and the impressive last start winner in G-One Winning though Dennis Yip’s Simple with “The Duckman”- Howard “The Duck” Cheng- on board at 6s overnight could give it the most to do. One has to wonder if Douglas Whyte who won on Simple at its last start would not have stayed with it if John Size didn’t have G-One Winning in the race. I reckon he would have and Simple might be much more than its simplistic name. Even Pimple or Dimple would have been a better name but nowhere as weird as a trotter in Oz called Screamin’ Seemin’. Listening to the race call on Friday was quite surreal and where, despite all the “screamin’ for “seemin’, it came second.

Race 6 is one of those horrendous dirt races and which can always throw up a surprise and make many throw up in the process. These dirt races are more difficult to understand than women. Having said this, I’ll stay with the tough Crown Witness- by the way, the champion that is Silent Witness looked healthy and happy when paraded at Caulfield last week before Black Caviar’s 18th consecutive winner which became winner number 19 at Flemington yesterday- Just Fantastic and with John Moore who is still trying to get that promised winner to its owners, switching Kyara to the dirt.

Perhaps today will be its day and with Damien Oliver sitting in for the injured Darren Beadman. It was meant to be a very good horse but has been almost eerily unlucky and probably needs to have its coat shaved so that its bad luck is shorn away. Either that or John Moore should have his head shaved. Wait: He only has a few hairs left, anyway, so one can assume this fung shui move will not work. Still, “Jungle John” has a brand new black leather jacket and which has nothing to do with anything.

As usual, the last race on the card could, well, throw up another rough result though it’s hard to go beyond the John Size-Douglas Whyte combination in Real Specialist and the John Moore-Damien Oliver team on Flash Knight. Ever seen a flash knight or a knight flash? Just wondering. Getting back to the race, I’ll be including Medallist, Winning Apex and Lombardi, all three being at very good odds- and definitely no slouches. There’s no point having great odds if they cannot win but any of these three could.

Another race which could- again- throw up a rough result is Race 7- IF Aomen- another of those Whyte-Size combinations- bites the dust. What can beat it? Hear The Roar- and gawd knows, trainer Sean Woods needs a winner to roar again- Wrath Of Fire and, possibly Jamesina. Wrath Of Fire has Gerard Mosse on it for the first time and as the horse needs to be ridden “cold” and come with a late run and along the outside, this should suit “The Swordsman” current penchant to ride nearly every horse three wide and with no cover and to avoid any other horses like the le plague.

On paper, it really does look like the John Size-Douglas Whyte and John Moore-Damien Oliver show at Shatin, but, as we all know, one should never believe everything they read- especially in racing- and how most information and odds and “tips” are not worth the paper they’re printed on.

The Guru

BREAKING NEWS: BEADMAN THROWN OFF HORSE IN TRIALS.

Darren Beadman got thrown off a horse at the trials this morning and has been taken to hospital with a possible fractured cheekbone and other injuries. Damien Oliver is on standby to fly over and take his rides at Shatin on Sunday.

THE FAST TRACK AWARDS FOR THE HAPPY VALLEY RACE MEETING ON 15/2/2012

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THE RIDE OF THE NIGHT

ZAC PURTON ON “FLYING KEEPER”

The horse was drawn way out wide, but he snagged it back, rode it patiently, pulled it out wide, collared them and The Zac Attack had begun.

It was the perfect ride and now that he almost has trainer Dennis Yip in the bag, it remains to be seen if Caspar Fownes starts to give the jockey more rides- especially with Brett Prebble and his stable apprentice on the Injured list.

We’re betting he does.

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THE “SWEET IRONY” AWARD

“FLYING KEEPER”.

Why not and also the Omen Bet for the night: Flying Keeper winning on the same night when The Hong Kong Football Centenary Cup was being presented.

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THE “WANCHAI JOCKEY OF THE NIGHT” AWARD

ZAC PURTON

Yes, all the races last night were named after streets in Wanchai- those streets where many have plodded along on many long and lonely nights trying to find some kind of, well, Escape.

One race was even named after Fenwick- we guess- as it was called THE Fenwick. Oh, puhleese, you’ve never been there???

As for The Zac Attack, apart from his winning ride on Flying keeper, he rode a beauty on Bespoke Master and then threw everything he could to get Mochi home but was thwarted by that swooper- Something Special, one of the most enigmatic horses around. Without a full book of rides, he rode two winners and two place-getters outta his five rides for the night.

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THE “LIZ HURLEY AND BANGERS AND MASH, MACCARONI” AWARD

“SOMETHING SPECIAL.”

The last time the horse won, it was ridden by UK’s leading jockey in Ryan Moore.

The win last night at over 20s was for another jockey from “The Northern Hemisphere”-Neil Callan- and which probably means Trainer Tony Millard should change his feed and give it some baked beans on toast, bangers and mash and Marmite sandwiches. He should also play the horse some new pirated files floating around featuring the dulcet tones of Actress Liz Hurley making very strange moaning sounds.

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SPEAKING OF LIZ HURLEY GIRLIE, WE COME TO THE “LITTLE PLUNGER” AWARD.

LITTLE BEN TH SO

It’s almost become a ritual or part of a script and where every week when there’s a plunge on a horse, it’s always one ridden by Ben TH So.

A few weeks ago, it was that $4.6m being plonked on Berio- and which won.

A few days later, young Ben on Mr Award was bet down- and won.

Last weekend, he celebrated his birthday by winning on Healthy Blueberry which was backed by many educated punters- and which is not to say other punters are yobs and restless natives.

Tonight, young Ben’s mount- Excellent Winning- was bet down from 50s to around 30s but had to settle for a very close second to Bespoke Master.

Soon, Ben So will have to change his name to Ben Hur- and drive a chariot.

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THE “YIPPEE KI YAY MUTHAF***ER” AWARD

TRAINER DENNIS YIP

What a night for the trainer with three wins- one ridden by Howard “The Duck” Cheng, the other ridden by Zac Purton and then Douglas Whyte bringing Ho Ho Life home for a facile win.

If not for being held up for a run, his Smart Kids ridden by “The Duckman” would have gone very close.

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THE “HELLO, BERT, HELLO, ERNIE” AWARD

TRACKSIDE’S BRUCE HUTCHISON AND BRETT DAVIS

For almost a year now, we have been hearing about these two sipping Pina Coladas together, enjoying a romantic holiday in Bali and, probably squeezing their rubber duckies.

It’s fascinating stuff and which we really wish to know more about.

Come on, boys, don’t be shy. Let it all hang out.

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THE “BEN HUR” AWARD

NEIL CALLAN ON “LEGENDARY DRAGON”

It took a very tough and determined ride by Neil Callan to get this one home- his second winner of the night.

It never looked comfortable at the Valley this time, it almost seemed to jump a shadow or falter slightly, but Callan straightened it out and got the Ricky Yiu trained galloper home.

Last time it won at 28s, this time it was favourite and at 3s but a win’s a win.

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THE “DRAGONS WERE SLAYED” AWARD

“KING PENDRAGON” AND “LITTLE DRAGON”

It might be the Year Of The Dragon, but do you really think  King Pendragon and Lord Dragon knew this? Nooooooooooooooooooooo!

Despite both being right in the money, they did squat, zilch, nada.

Various dragon slayers showed up and made them blow smoke out their asses.

Thank goodness for the win of Legendary Dragon- and taking out the Police Cup in the process- and the never-say-die riding of The Durban Dragon- Douglas Whyte who won the night’s Jockey Challenge despite at one time looking like a forlorn hope of doing so.

………………………………….

THE “GENERAL PATTON” AWARD

“MILITARY ATTACK”.

While the race favourite- Mr. Bond- ridden three wide, with no cover and asked to sing “The Impossible Dream” by jockey Gerard “The Parrot” Mosse, again, going off in search of the nearest McDonald’s, shot blanks and killed off many holding Six Up Bonus tickets, Darren Beadman gave debut starter for the John Moore stable- Military Attack- all the time to settle, look around and then, well, attack those in the front. The thumbs up Beadman gave Moore after the race said it all: This horse has an engine. As for Moore, he was sporting- good gawd! – a James Dean-type black leather jacket instead of one of his usual khaki safari suits which made him look a bit like an older Rebel With A Cause- in a new jacket. John? Is this YOU???